The Dark Night of the Soul…
Something I found rarely discussed are the ups and downs that creative people go through with regards to their mental health. The darkness is a double-edge sword: at times it can consume you, leaving you lost and hopeless; while other times you’re able to use it as creative fuel.
While “the dark night of the soul” may share similarities to depression, it isn’t quite the same. Carl Jung refers to this process as “individuation“, which is (without getting too wordy) the process of self-realization; essentially the process of becoming your authentic self. Individuation is a lifelong process, while the dark night is usually referred to as the catalyst and a necessary step in the transformation of the self.
Around the time I was dealing with this, I didn’t quite have the words to fully describe it. The “Behind the Sketch” series takes a look at how I rediscovered my creativity by rediscovering myself through self-expression. I was able to express what I was going through with various sketches that turned into the pieces of artwork below, each playing their own unique role. Although I can’t say that I’ll never experience another dark night of the soul, I was able to walk away with the tools to deal with it as well as a different perspective of mental health. Little did I know that this journey would lead to the creation of The Fear Theory children’s book series several years later.
“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” ― Einstein
The Monster Inside
Back in February 2015, I decided to head out of the city and I booked a small farmhouse via Airbnb. Maybe it was the country air, but it was the first time in months that I attempted to sketch something. After countless hours, I drew the image below.
The creature depicted fear and the various ways it manifested itself in my life. It represented everything: anxiety, depression, and the fear created by other people’s projections. Instead of allowing those various “monsters” to stop me, as they’ve done in the past, I decided to channel that negative energy into creative fuel that gave birth to this collection.
The small character portrayed at the bottom was me, attempting to get a still-life sketch of the elusive monster. Once I took a step back and observed the irrational thoughts I was having, I began to reclaim my power. I saw what the monster represented: my anxiety (fear of change, pressures of adulthood, etc). Sometimes the things we fear are nothing more than an idea; only when we take a step back are we able to see things as they are.
Know Hope
I always found it challenging trying to communicate to people the internal battle I was experiencing. On the outside everything looked fine – I was acting, playing music, and even had a clothing line. It was frustrating, being able to do everything physically put my mind to, but I couldn’t escape the dark cloud over my head. This piece was an outward expression of an internal realization I had: I felt empty. I was able to put a visual to an internal feeling I was experiencing. All of that led to a sense of hopelessness that I couldn’t shake, it was mentally exhausting. The one thing that was able to pull me out of that toxicity was my guitar. I realized that my instrument was no different than a pencil; it was the key to a door that transported me to another world.
Many of the creatives I met at various markets and events related to this design the most. There is a universal feeling of having to overcome some form of adversity, in exchange for a piece of creative gold. Some created a new song, an original piece, or even a new business venture. Like many others, I was able to come out of it with my own gem: a new-found love for self-expression through music. The bass guitar was the catalyst that launched me back into my creativity.
Falling into Place
Life falls apart, but did you ever see where every piece could land?
Maybe pieces of you were preplanned to fall apart.
So they could fall together, so they fall in place for someone else. --"Have.Will" by The Color of Morale
The little character that I created was consistent throughout my illustrations from 2012 – 2018. It allowed me to create vast worlds that were inspired by everything from global events to video games.
When I began focusing more on enjoying the journey of learning, creating, and playing, instead of worrying about the destination, I was able to create freely. Looking back, I really wanted to help people understand that despite the hardships we may face as creatives, we all have access to a creative power that can manifest itself in positive ways.
Below are some designs I created that played a role in my self-discovery journey.
